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Joke of the Day

"Quitting the gym because it's easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me"

"""I'm single and ready to mingle""..oh god, is this why I'm still single, cuz I say shit like that?"

"Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot."

"Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins. *opens package* *adds water*"

"[interview after losing a fight] ""What happened out there?"" I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either"

"I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn't ""fun to be around."""

"What does Tony Romo and a porn star have in common? They both know how to choke."

"What is white on the top and black on the bottom? Society."

"Andy Griffith's family are undecided on funeral arrangements. They may cremate, they Mayberry"

"A priest, a rabbi, and a shaman walk into a bar... and the bartender says ""What is this? A joke?"""