74685

Joke of the Day

"Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn't have blankets. Sorry lady in seat 21B"

"My brother said he's incontinent. Yeah, he said he's wet his pants in nearly every nation in the world."

"Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt? I promise it's not a pyramid scheme."

"Why is it so difficult for people with breast cancer to remember things? They have bad mammaries."

"Q: What did the momma corn say to baby corn? A: where is popcorn"

"friend: what are your plans for The Purge? [imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL] me: do a murder"

"I'm dreading summer because I'll be subjected to my Facebook friends' pictures of the temperature readout from inside their vehicles."

"As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won't think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break."

"""OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!"" haha, no way losers. I've got things to do. *cop whispering* ""what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!"""

"I tried to do an intense workout that involved 500 sit ups per day But my body couldn't take the ab use"