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Joke of the Day

"I've been squeezing the last drop of toothpaste from this tube for over a month now."

"Not to play the martyr, but I feel like the thousands of fruit flies in my kitchen should be more appreciative for all I have given them."

"[High school reunion] Classmate: I've been out building schools in Africa Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin"

"I don't understand why people are so upset about Harambe I mean, gorillas get shot by white cops all the time."

"They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. But I can personally attest that after 9 days Olive Garden asks you to leave."

"Old MacDonald had a very bad Scrabble hand... E-I-E-I-O."

"DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you're now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky."

"Why did the sex assault victim get triggered by the pear? Because pear in an anagram for rape."

"Did you see the frog perform in the opera last night? Why yes, she was absolutely ribbeting."

"My wife bought a new plant for for the house. I didn't like it at first... ...but it's starting to grow on me."