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Joke of the Day

"*walks into bar with camera* Me: Can I take a shot of this glass? Bartender: Take a pitcher, it'll last longer"

"[hears wife approaching while I read son bedtime story] the prince hugged the dragon..[hears wife walk away] ok, basically a retweet is whe"

"What do you call a smiley face if someone uses it that lives in an igloo? An Eskimoji"

"Dignity: Is that thing you lose when you send someone a second text before they've answered the first."

"The joke's not here.... It's in the comments."

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None."

"Picking up a drug addict is easy... They go for any line."

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"My asian girlfriend refuses to go all the way with me... She's a real life Chinese finger trap"

"Why does Skeleton Soup taste so poor? It lacks body"