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Joke of the Day

"Me: What are my choices again? Pollster: Donald Trump... Me: Or? Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby. Me: ... Pollster: Well? Me: I'm thinking."

"Sometimes I get down on my knees and pray for a pigeon to fly directly into my mouth"

"I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon."

"WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work? ME: I took care of it. BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it] Nice work today."

"I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!"

"What did the cannibal ask for at the cruiseline buffet? The passenger list."

"Ever heard of a sex position called a 71? Its a 69, and each partner puts a finger up their partners butt!"

"I just watched a documentary on marijuana They should all be watched that way"

"Me: We broke up. Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?"

"Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I'm a freak but not that talented"