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Joke of the Day

"Me: We broke up. Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?"

"A man goes to a zoo but the only animal there is a dog. It's a Shitzu."

"Lindsay Lohan was released from jail early this morning and in related news, I still don't give a shit about her."

"Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me."

"What's the difference between a power outlet and a Girl I can turn one on..."

"[Exorcism] Priest: What is your name? Demon: Jim Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim? Demon: Nice legs Carol Wife: Let's keep him. Next..."

"*bursts into English convention* GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE *crickets* Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME"

"How does the basis of all TIFU's start.... by doing what you see on reddit."

"Whats the hardest part about cooking vegetable? getting the wheelchair in the oven."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car."