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Joke of the Day

"Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says ""Say goodbye to your family"""

"TIL DNA was supposed to be a line But things spiraled of control"

"things u don't want to here at the doctors office (during prostate exam) 'look no hands'"

"Can't ever go back to work after what my boss just said to me ""You're fired"""

"How does a Muslim close the door? Islams it."

"My doc said that I should stop smoking and drinking immediately. What does he care what I'm doing in the waiting room?"

"I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's ""adorable,"" but if I do, I'm ""causing a disturbance"" and ""need to leave""? Whatever."

"I bought a fan today... It blows, man."

"to do list I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it"

"Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon."