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Joke of the Day

"My doc said that I should stop smoking and drinking immediately. What does he care what I'm doing in the waiting room?"

"What is a sure way to get a girl at a bar? Order a Cosbypolitan cocktail"

"Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear"

"Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone."

"If I got 50p for every time I failed a maths test I'd have about 6.30 by now"

"Mickey and Minnie Mouse are going through a divorce. Mickeys lawyer says "" you can't get a divorce because your wife is a little crazy."" To which Mickey replies ""no I said she's Fucking Goofy!"""

"Life is like a dick. If it's soft, you can't beat it, but when it's hard, somebody's gonna get fucked."

"Me: Where were you supposed to poop? 2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn't you? 2: I'm too busy."

"I asked a New Zealander how many sexual partners he'd had He started counting but then fell asleep."

"Some people came to my door asking for donations to the local pool. So I went and poured them a glass of water."