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Joke of the Day

"My gf won't get the remote that's in the other room, but if my wallet was at the bottom of an ocean she'd be shopping already."

Next Joke
 
"Adulthood is the moment you switch from taking the occasional drug to trip out, to taking the occasional drug to feel normal."
"[Bowling Alley] ""I'm sorry sir, but we don't have any bowling shoes left"" *gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*"
"What's the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won't stay up all night to fuck a musician"
"One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song"
"Behind every great man is a great woman. Way behind. Because men are faster."
"I once had a job circumcising Elephants The pay was low, but the tips were *huge*"
"Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I've already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car."
"Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day. Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy."
"Everclear songs are really easy to play on guitar It's because their dad's weren't around to give them music lessons."