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Joke of the Day

"*reads menu for reasonable amount of time ""I'll take the food."""

"Men are a lot like shopping carts, when you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a Women pushing it around."

"""Last call for flight 254"" [Runs to gate] ""You barely made it"" [out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I'm a vegan"

"Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away."

"Me: theres a man outside fighting with water Wife: the neighbour? Me: yes Wife: is he in the pool? Me: yes Wife: again, its called swimming"

"Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That'll really come in handy if life starts going backwards."

"I've been writing a joke about the whites, blacks and asians... But it's a bit racey."

"Damn girl I like the way you constantly change your profile pic to the one good picture of you from 2008."

"*writes employment history on arm *writes professional references on thigh *writes email address on neck *adds ""resume"" to resume"

"Stop me if you've heard this one: When is a door not a door? *WHEN IT'S BEEN BLOWN TO BITS!*"