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Joke of the Day

"Me: theres a man outside fighting with water Wife: the neighbour? Me: yes Wife: is he in the pool? Me: yes Wife: again, its called swimming"

"With a name like Progressive, shouldn't the commercials be better by now?"

"My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies."

"What did the perverted scientist say to his colleague? If you need me, I'll be in my Lab."

"Why are almost all brides dresses white? So the dishwasher matches the washing machine"

"Knock knock... Who's there? Huey Huey who? I'm me, who are you"

"What did the Momma buffalo say to the baby buffalo on his first day of school? Bye Son (Bison)"

"*Runs a bath Me: ok, jump in 3: it's too hot *Adds cold water Me: Ok, get in 3: it's too cold Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks."

"""Don't fret."" -Guitar that apparently doesn't want to be played"

"Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention."