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Joke of the Day

"""I'd like to raise a toast."" *Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*"

"The iPhone 7 ad has a catchy song... Hit the road Jack"

"Me: ""I want to go on a diet."" Food: ""LOL no."""

"What idiot called it the Police/Fire Department Headquarters and not GUNS 'N HOSES?"

"The best thing about going on a first date to the petting zoo is that if she doesn't put out there are still plenty of options."

"Honey, give me the baby. -Wait until he cries -Until he cries..? Why..? -Because I can't find him..."

"2 black eyes What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, I already told her twice."

"What was said the boiled waters funeral? You will be mist."

"Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight. Me: Then what? Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it. Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm."

"Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn't be so angry."