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Joke of the Day

"[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life's funeral] Damn her niece is hot"

"NEXT APOLOGY I'M WAITING FOR PAULA DEEN TO APOLOGIZE FOR HER FAMILY STARTING THE CIVIL WAR"

"What do you get when you are the daughter of Rodney Dangerfield and Aretha Franklin? No R-E-S-P-E-C-T."

"TIL J. Cole robbed a bank and was never caught despite there being several witnesses When police sketch artists asked witnesses for a description of the robber they said he had no features."

"If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them would you go to lunch or read the paper?"

"Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free"

"What did one ass cheek say to the other? We gotta hold this shit together."

"Time Machine I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore."

"What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time."

"Weekend settings activated, please don't call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday..."