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Joke of the Day

"Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper."

"I showed my 3-year-old Star Wars. It blew his mind. Seriously, how do you reboot a kid? Or should I just get a new one?"

"A really funny joke. http://youtu.be/h8ycKKA7LZI A work-in-progress from my stand-up set. Tell me what you think!"

"1 fist bump from a cool black dude = 5 years of my white parents loving me."

"Did you hear about the drug dealer with arthritis? He had bad joints."

"I was at a party playing guitar once and somebody asked me if I could play Wonderwall I said maybe"

"How do you make a duck sing soul music? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers."

"RICK AND MORTY SEASON 3 RELEASED! Just not in this dimension.."

"Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out? *unfollows *blocks *stews *hires assassin on Craigslist *unblocks to monitor situation"

"How many redditors does it take to point out a repost? All of them."