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Joke of the Day

"Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out? *unfollows *blocks *stews *hires assassin on Craigslist *unblocks to monitor situation"

"Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet."

"Did you hear about the woman with guns for tits? She was pretty Barrel-Chested."

"Once I've repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret: I come from a long line of mumblers."

"Why do school nurses bring a red crayon to work? So they can draw blood"

"I asked my pusher for something to burn that would get me stoned. He gave me the Koran."

"I'd say my girlfriend is a five. If you count the thumb."

"The new Linkin Park album"

"Bullshit this steak's rare. They have it at like every restaurant!"

"Bollywood movies are so long... I started watching one in 2014 and it's just finished in 2015."