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Joke of the Day

"Lady: How old's your son? Me: He's 3. Lady: Wow, he has great hand eye coordination. Me: You should see him play Grand Theft Auto, he sucks"

"My favourite joke at the moment... How do you get an elephant in to a plastic bag? First you take the 'T' out of 'Tesco', what do you get? Esco. Then you take the 'F' out of 'Weigh', what do you get?"

"Why doesn't anyone watch women's hockey? The games take 3 months to play!"

"Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job."

"I yelled ""STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!"" & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me"

"I come from a mixed race family... My father prefers the 100 metres...and my mother is Pakistani."

"I know a teen girl who can only think of numbers that follow the pattern 1+2x where x is a real whole number She can't even..."

"*crawls seductively across bed* *elbow gives out*"

"What's the smartest muscle in the human body? The anal sphincter; it can differentiate solid, liquid, and gas."

"[candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition."