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Joke of the Day

"What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine? It wooden go."

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"Looking at your innocent 5 year old now, I bet you can't imagine him drinking and taking drugs. Just you wait. First grade can be brutal."
"Sedated, cheese-loving, Northern Ed Miliband... and Gromit."
"I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day. The court trial starts tomorrow."
"I just lost my virginity!!!! April fools *sob*"
"What do you call an anorexic.. What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection? Quarter-pounder with cheese"
"I bought a pack of pencils and one was unsharpened. I thought it was pretty pointless"
"1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos"
"A severed foot... ...is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg"
"I can speak any language. I just don't understand what I'm saying in anything but english."