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Joke of the Day

"I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn't melt. I've got to start dressing smarter"

"How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you ""Let's just be friends."""

"My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said ""can you hear me?"""

"If I can make just one person laugh at my jokes then I've done a shitty job at joke writing."

"Waiter! Oh Waiter! Yes, I`d like to know if I have earned any CashBack Reward`sTM with the purchase of my farm fresh miniature cucumber plate"

"Trump is such a good businessman that he literally wrote the book on business! Everyone should read it! Its too bad that it only goes up to chapter 11 though..."

"Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face."

"[sits family down at dinner table] I've decided we're going to start watching anime"

"Stop it guys, there's no such thing as Canadian English. We just say ""free healthcare"" more and ""supersized"" less."

"My wife just told me she loves her man more than anything in the world. I don't know where you are buddy, but I'm gonna find you and and kick your ass."