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Joke of the Day

"Me: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon? Coach: Me: Coach: Me: Oh. You said HUDDLE up, didn't you?"

"I've done some pretty stupid things while I've been drunk, but in alcohol's defense, I've done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too."

"Do you know what the difference is between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stones song? The Rolling Stones song says ""Hey you, get off of my cloud"". A Scotsman says ""Hey McCloud, get off of my Ewe""."

"I once mowed the lawn at a battered women's shelter if you know what i mean"

"My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . . I came four or five times trying to wash it off."

"What do you get when you cross an insomniac with an agnostic and a dyslexic? A person who stays up at night, wondering if there's a dog."

"What's the difference... ...between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg"

"My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said ""can you hear me?"""

"{Thomas Edison prank call} Is your refrigerator running? ""Yes.."" YOU'RE WELCOME! *click*"

"If I had an ice cream truck, it would turn into a regular truck in about a half hour."