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Joke of the Day
"With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner."
Next Joke
"Dad I spotted a Dalmatian! No need to it already has its own spots!"
"What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic? A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog. ~ Infinite Jest, by DFW"
"When I was a kid, if I wanted to jerk off, I had to use a Sears catalogue But now, with the internet, when I want to jerk off, I can just go to Sears.com."
"How did girls text before emojis? Hey I can't wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP"
"Because im a bad ass! Why did I put the punchline up there?"
"My out-of-office voicemail greeting is just a solid three minutes of dry heaving."
"I asked a music teacher what is sooo hard about playing a violin... she said it's kinda fiddely."
"two blondes... ...are chit chatting. ""I slept with a Brazillian!"" ""Wow, how many is that?"""
"5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar? Me: You don't have a job. How will you pay me back? 5: Me: 5: I'll borrow another dollar."