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Joke of the Day

"5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar? Me: You don't have a job. How will you pay me back? 5: Me: 5: I'll borrow another dollar."

"I haven't told anyone but last night I let my husband indulge his ""scat"" fetish. I'm glad I got that off my chest."

"I'm being managed by Don King again"

"*destroys head of lettuce* *becomes new ruler of all lettuces*"

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend called me a douche this morning... but I guess it explains why her sister smelled so much better after I finished banging her last night credit: /u/thehofstetter"

"How do you make a strawberry shake? You put it in the freezer."

"Did you hear about the gay Irish couple? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick."

"I can still remember my Grandpa's last words to me: ""Are you still holding the ladder?"""

"What did Eminem learn to defend himself? Marshall arts."

"Haven't tweeted lately because I'm really absorbed by this Bounty paper towel."