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Joke of the Day

"I hate how much time my kids spend staring at their iPads. I wish they'd look up once in a while & pay attention to me staring at my iPhone."

"Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up? He had a lot of aspirations."

"What is the most popular sport played by raindrops and hail stones? -Diving"

"Christian Bale won Best Supporting Actor for playing a mentally unstable drug addict.And then Charlie Sheen was like, ""You can get an award for that?"

"I grew up Catholic... and one of the things I hated was going to church, with the constant standing up, sitting down and kneeling. I wish the priest would just pick a position and fuck me."

"My Chinese neighbour told me he'd just opened a ""Crows shop"". I said, ""Don't you mean a clothes shop?"" He said, ""A Crows shop!"" I said, ""OK, I might pop down for a Rook."""

"I'm 30 and my knees won't even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic."

"There's no such thing as the funny bone... But I heard the upper arm is quite humerus."

"Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv! Me: Oh. No that's just for when I run out of toilet paper."

"Imagine my surprise when I found out that don't is not the abbreviation for donut"