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Joke of the Day

"Dear Netflix; when I got my first dvd by mail all those years ago I never dreamed that one day you would raise a child for me."

"Tried my hand at this whole 'cougar' business but I just don't like the taste of hikers. It's possible I read the wrong Wikipedia page."

"A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die"

"Why does the little Mermaid wear sea shells Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big"

"How do you prevent alcoholism? Shots."

"(Xpost: showerthoughts) Knock-knock jokes should win the No-Bell Prize"

"The best joke of all... ...is the number of this sub's subscribers"

"Mary arrived home from school covered in spots. 'Whatever's the matter ?' asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'"

"I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment."

"Staying at a hotel tonight which means I get to play everyone's favorite game: Are you smarter than a new shower?"