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Joke of the Day

"I got caught having sex with the secretary by my wife My wife was crying and saying you cant do this to me! I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her!"

"When the lumberjacks sawed down the tree where did the Gorilla hiding in the uppermost branches land? Nearby - the Ape-lle doesn't fall far from the tree!"

"starbucks is like a hooker... one on every corner and money upfront before they scream your name"

"I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over"

"When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT."

"Whats similar between a hurricane and women? They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**"

"I'd say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we're not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser.."

"LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don't even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It's so sweet"

"C3PO and R2D2 walk into a bar... Then the bartender goes ""HEY!!! We don't serve YOUR KIND HERE!!!"" C3PO asks: ""Why because we're droids,"" Bartender: ""NO!!! 'Cause It's AN OUTLET BAR!!!"""

"How do you teach a Jew to pay attention? You send him to a concentration camp."