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Joke of the Day

"Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas. Neighbor: Nice. I got- Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything."

"For Halloween, my neighbor put up a Wolverine themed scarecrow. And it's terrifying my daughter. I guess she is claw-straw-phobic..."

"At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music"

"I always feel an intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly."

"What do you call someone whose filed bankruptcy 4 times and divorced twice? A GOP Presidential candidate."

"What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym? An acronym stands for something"

"The Barenaked Ladies have been pulled from the rubble alive, following the Nepal Earthquake. Its been One Week."

"What do you call a water gun that gets people really excited? A super stoaker"

"What gets wet as it dries? Texas after a drought."

"I was talking to my ex and she got the wrong end of the stick. The end that had been sharpened to a fine point."