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Joke of the Day

"""daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa"" *checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son"

"me: how was your camping trip 5 y/o: good me: what'd you guys do 5 y/o: camped"

"My girlfriend told me that she just needed a little space. So now she lives in the trunk of my car."

"Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? He only comes once a year"

"Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today? Abraham Lincoln."

"'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall There were multiple reports of trampling injuries."

"2 men walk into a bar The third one ducks."

"Don't trust anyone who wants to ""get you out of your comfort zone."" Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!"

"If I were Lex Luther, I'd just send Superman a bunch of gift certificates to Taco Bell and let him do my work for me."

"I got caught masturbating by the fedex guy I shouldn't have answered the door, but you gotta sign for that shit or wait til he comes again."