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Joke of the Day
"My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water."
Next Joke
"What kind of apes can you find swinging on vines? GrApes"
"[on first date] I'll have an iced tea, please. Waiter: Sure. Ummm...anything for the balloon with a woman's face drawn on it?"
"They call me the human Hoyer lift... because I'm good at picking up fat chicks."
"my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it's giving me serious ideas, folks"
"A guy went to the doctor for his annual physical... Doctor says to him ""you need to stop masturbating."" Man says, ""but why doc!?"" Doctor says, ""Because I'm trying to give you an examination."""
"Did you hear what happened to the guy that only ate cake? He got his just desserts."
"Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that."
"Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time."
"Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes... That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes."