4102

Joke of the Day

"I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a 'cradle robber' cuz he's 18 and I'm 43. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary."

"*knock knock* ""Who's there?"" *knock knock ""I said, 'Who's there?'"" *knock knock ""......Hello?"" ......*doorknob jiggles ""The fuck?!"""

"[Anteater eats some termites] [looks up to heaven] ""YOU DON'T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!"""

"What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescendant con descending."

"Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing coming from a parked van. But, when they looked, it was just a kid napping."

"My legs are so white that they stopped listening to their Bon Iver LP to correct my pronunciation of 'quinoa'"

"Haven't seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too."

"My cat rolled on my weed tray and now half my weed is stuck in her fur......Do I smoke my cat?"

"In America saying you're the bomb is a compliment but... In Afghanistan it's a question."

"What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff? [A Good Start.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obKLdou0LH0)"