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Joke of the Day

"Girl dog: I'm into bad boys Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh"

"Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years."

"I love you so much that I would wait for your photo to load on my slow Internet connection."

"If I had 1,000,000 dollars, I would pay to have sex with your mom. And then I would invest the other 999,995 bucks."

"[tense situation in the war room] ""Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it'll blow.1-4-7-teen"" CRAP [huge explosion]"

"A guy I know calls women's periods ""shark week."" I asked him why, and he told me ""Beware of blood in the water. The fearsome beast will bite your head clean off, unprovoked, when you least expect it."""

"I wish robot servants were affordable already."

"When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say ""Are you ready to take this sh*t to a whole new level?"""

"What did Davey Crocket say at the Alamo? ""Where'd all the roofers come from?"""

"What do you call someone who can't do anything? HR"