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Joke of the Day

"My mom woke up early every morning to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch at school. She knew the crusts were my favorite part. She hated me so much."

"Getting a caricature drawing of yourself is basically the only time you pay money for someone to brutally own you."

"What do all Amish women want? 2 Mennonite."

"Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie? He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand."

"When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman marry three times."

"There are two kinds of people in this world... Those that can extrapolate from an incomplete statement,"

"*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror* *dad walks past* *dad double takes* *im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*"

"I was in the park the other day wondering why the frisbee looks bigger the closer it gets... And then it hit me."

"Somebody told me that rum and coke wasn't the answer to my problems. I told them that it might not be the answer, but it was certainly a solution."

"Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I'm having lunch behind the couch."