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Joke of the Day

"[At Neiman Marcus] *looks at sales clerk* *holds up a Prada and a Burberry briefcase* I don't know...which one will hold more chicken nuggets?"

"What did the leper say to the prostitute? (NSFW) You can keep the tip..."

"My doctor told me I only have two months left to live so I shot him, judge gave me 30 years."

"What did the bro say to the bro who couldn't make it to the party because he didn't have a car? Do you even Lyft?"

"1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys."

"How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, Feminists can't change anything!"

"What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation? ""Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"" ""Welcome. We're glad to have you"""

"Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident."

"[blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU"

"I'm opening a Canadian-Russian fusion restaurant... It's called Vladimir Poutine."