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Joke of the Day

"People who say ""go big or go home"" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day."

"I want to get stoned like I cheated on my Iranian husband."

"My girlfriend played the cello and I loved it. But recently she gave up the cello and took up the violin, so I had to break up with her. Because I'm all about that bass, no treble."

"18 goes into 40 more than 40 goes into 18 ( ~ )"

"The sexiest face I make is when I'm trying to squelch a yawn. Just kidding, I look like a stroke victim."

"What do bed detectives solve? Pillow cases"

"My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It's pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake"

"What would you name someone who can predict when people sneeze? Nostrildamus"

"Why are there no gay men in the army reserves? All of the fruits are diploid"

"Jesus told Peter, ""Peter, come forth and receive my eternal blessing"" But Peter came fifth and had to eat the biscuit"