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Joke of the Day

"Jesus told Peter, ""Peter, come forth and receive my eternal blessing"" But Peter came fifth and had to eat the biscuit"

"An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I'm hoping he meant while she was alive."

"Why do penguins have skinny penises because they only have flippers"

"How do you disappoint a Redditor? [corrected] NSFW [deleted]"

"Yo mama's so ugly... Scorpion yelled ""STAY OVER THERE!"""

"[voice recognition in car] Car: ""please say a command"" Me: ""call Tim"" Car: ""calling Sarah Marcogliese"""

"I like the religions where they're like ""god left after he made earth."" that's exactly what I would do if i created this mess."

"A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier. It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl."

"It's about time I talked to the boy about the birds and the bees. If memory serves, it's the stork that delivers and the swallow receives?"

"[begin metajoke] What did the drunk Chinese customer say to the bartender? No have to cut me off. Fall off barstool by myself. [end metajoke]"