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Joke of the Day

"The sexiest face I make is when I'm trying to squelch a yawn. Just kidding, I look like a stroke victim."

"What is the difference between a rental car and a Humvee? You can take a rental car anywhere."

"Your momma so dirty she serves more requests than HTTP"

"The free internet services I use the least are the ones that email me the most often to tell me how useful they are."

"You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it. - My 4yo. Apparently."

"VIRGIN GALACTIC THE SURVIVING PILOT OF THE VIRGIN GALACTIC PLANE SAID THAT THE CO PILOTS LAST WORDS WERE,'WHATS THIS BUTTON FOR?"

"Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch."

"Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It died."

"This is a frightening statistic 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness! That's scary! It means 75% are running around untreated!"

"Why don't Europeans have foot fetishes? they use the metric system"