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Joke of the Day
"I hate it when I'm on twitter & there isn't a car behind me to honk when the light is green."
Next Joke
"I've been stealing retainers and throwing them in a swamp so that in 1000 or so year archeologists think it's an ancient nerd burial ground"
"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Pee is yellow. Shit is brown. I am drunk. This is a tweet."
"Sports Hockey has the Blues. Football has the Browns. Baseball has the Reds. What does basketball have? l l l l l The Blacks."
"A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I'm ""not afraid to eat bread""--so I'm done with socializing for at least a year thanks"
"How do hurricanes see? -With one eye"
"With Michael Phelps, Sarah Palin, and Glenn Beck here in Charlotte this week, my status as smartest guy in the room just rose exponentially."
"what I love about whole foods is you can fit $50 worth of groceries in a stylish evening clutch"
"How do you beat someone in an argument? Use your fists."
"What does a Spanish cow say? Muuuuuuuey!"