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Joke of the Day

"An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It's the most adorable massacre in history."

"I got approached on a dating website by a midget I asked her what she felt her best attribute was. She responded ""I'm really down to earth."""

"No I LITERALLY want to butter your hot cherry muffin. A euphe-what? Listen to Miss Community College over there."

"What do you call a race ran by female horses? A mare-a-thon."

"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your pets in tupperware, your grandad in a crockpot and your mother in law in a ziplock bag."

"Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk."

"10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score! ME: y'know they're just numbers on a screen right? they don't mean anything [checks follower count]"

"Vote early and vote often! This *used* to be a real joke"

"School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free"

"Why was 6 scared? Because 7 was a 6 offender."