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Joke of the Day

"Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your pets in tupperware, your grandad in a crockpot and your mother in law in a ziplock bag."

"Finally got in to an exercise routine and I've lost over 100 pounds!! I'm from England, and exercise equipment is pretty expensive."

"What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? An electron"

"The stir fry chef had to make a difficult decision. He was between a wok and a hot plate."

"Me: ""I'm looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly."" Ian: ""I'm a medium."" Me: ""I need someone better than that."""

"They say not to text and drive, but I still feel totally fine after like two texts"

"Did you hear about the mohel with no knife? He was a ripoff."

"What's green and then red? A frog in a blender."

"So, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, right? I guess that's when the books started getting *dead Sirius*"

"What did they call Fireman Sam after he retired? ""That fat, selfish faggot that chose the pension over saving our lives."""