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Joke of the Day

"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only 2, but I don't know how they got in there"

"""Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?"" Wife: ""Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?"" ""...Yes"" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*"

"I hate seeing people I know on Tinder My girlfriend has some explaining to do..."

"The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris."

"S&M ""Fuck me till it hurts."" *slap* ""Well, that was easy."""

"Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?"

"What do you call a cow that goes online? An eMoo."

"In the beginning there was nothing... Then God said ""Let there be light!"" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. Edit: Credit to Ellen DeGeneris."

"Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club."

"The Top Three things for Halloween you can do now in North Carolina: #3 Swim with the sharks, #2 Have an account on Ashley Madison, #1 riding a street car in Charlotte NC."