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Joke of the Day

"Three types of people... There are three types of people in this world. Those who are odd, and those who literally can't even."

"Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She's being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I'm holding has a more frightened expression"

"What's a pirates favorite letter? Ye think it be R but it a actually be the C"

"Eat that damn door We are waiting"

"Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all"

"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She was not wearing a seatbelt..."

"I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion."

"Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat? Mom ! I see an angel."

"Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how? Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I'm a miracle worker"

"I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy said, ""Are you gonna put it up yourself?"" I said, ""No, I was thinking the living room."""