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Joke of the Day

"[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long] Yo whatcha doin bro? [looks him dead in the eye] practicing for you"

"What's the easiest way to get laid? Crawl up a chickens ass and wait."

"I don't understand why Pabst gets such a bad wrap. It won a blue ribbon Once."

"Why do squirrels have bushy tails? To keep their nuts warm."

"I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet."

"So there I was at my favorite seafood restaurant having dinner, and I told David, my favorite waiter, that TONIGHT I wanted my fish exactly how I like my wife... ...""Battered it is, sir."""

"My love for you is like gonorrhea... It burns!"

"A girl from the recruitment agency called. She said, ""Sir, I have three openings for you."" I said, ""I know."" She hung up."

"My British friend asked me, ""Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"" I told him, ""Dude, we literally drive on the right side."""

"Drink to remember. Drink to forget. Tweet while drinking, Wake up with regret."