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Joke of the Day

"My preferred method of birth control is ""mood-killing repetitive DVD menu."""

"Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face."

"I ran three miles today! Finally I said, ""Lady, take your purse."""

"Tomorrow I'm opening the time capsule I buried as a kid. Can't wait to see how big my puppy got."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A Canoe tips."

"I'm starting my own Build-a-Bear type place except the kids make toys for other kids and it's in China."

"Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles."

"My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me The Love Machine' because I'm terrible at tennis."

"What did Vladimir name his member? Put-in. (In a Russian accent)"

"[3rd grade] bae: come over me: no bae: my parents aren't home. me: but we're only 7, that's awful parenting. bae: but- me: AWFUL. PARENTING."