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Joke of the Day

"Eating spicy food is like expressing your love to someone who has no interest in you... you always get burned in the end."

"I asked the barista for a Nyquilatte. He was really hairy, like a werewolf. A ""wereista"" if you will. I may have already had some Nyquil."

"Why do female skydivers wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down."

"In 1973, the Six Million Dollar Man consisted of a bionic man with super powers... In 2016, the Six Million Dollar Man consists of two hip replacements."

"The other day my buddy asked me if I wanted a warm Budweiser I replied, "" No its fine, I brought my own piss, ill just drink that. """

"If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen"

"What do you call Batman when he leaves Church early? Christian Bale"

"When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this."

"When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking ""they're just keeping me to themselves"""

"What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!"