231235

Joke of the Day

"[looking at wife's tombstone] today would've been our anniversary *falls to knees* why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me"

"My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate..."

"I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's at least I don't have alzheimer's"

"What do you call a crazy person wearing pantaloons? A pantalunatic."

"Two muffins are in an oven The first one turns to the other and says: ""It sure is getting hot in here"". To which the second muffin replies: ""Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"""

"[walking on beach] [find bottle with message in it] Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING? [another bottle with message washes against my feet]"

"I once tried to write a book about my thoughts But there's only so much you can put in a suicide note."

"My friend shaved her eyebrows and has been drawing them on. Lately, she's been drawing them too high. When I told her, she looked surprised."

"Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot"

"I work 24/7 - which is about 3.42 hours."