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Joke of the Day

"Me: I just souped up my car Person: What kind of engine did you put in it? *cut to me filling my car with tomato soup* Me: Um... A fast one."

"For something that has nine lives, you'd think this cat would spend at least one of them not being an annoying cunt."

"What do you call fake soup? Pho Soup"

"Daddy! I am hungry! I want to eat! You should be ashamed, son. When I was your age, I wanted to be an astronaut."

"A friend told me he was karyophil And i was like ""Are you fucking nuts?"""

"What does Moses do when he wants a beer? He brews!"

"My door to door VHS sales are taking a nose dive because of the economy."

"How do you know that your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

"I lost a roomba in my apartment. Don't ask me to babysit."

"Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco"