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Joke of the Day

"Last week, I went to my doctor and told him I was constipated. He told me I was full of shit."

"I don't blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I'd bite their leg off too."

"Me: Why am I suddenly sick? Friend: Probably the change in the Weather [earlier] Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*"

"What do you call gay paraplegics? Fruits and vegetables!"

"I looked at the calendar and thought, ""It's been one of those days today."""

"How much blow can Charlie sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men."

"Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are."

"What policy do the pro-Russia rebels have on gay recruits? Donetsk, don't tell."

"I came up with a phrase for the female version of a dick pick. Slot shot."

"Hey girl, do you like trucks? Cause I got a semi."