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Joke of the Day

"A fish asked a lobster why he gets boiled alive The lobster replied ""your face looks boiled"" The fish says ""I guess you can't be roasted"""

"I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb."

"When I get Cheeto dust on my fingers I use it to draw warpaint on my face. I am serious as fuck about my Cheetos."

"Made a folder for my Japanese phone apps... I call them Japps."

"My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE."

"Do you know why you dont get along with cassiopeia? Cause she is petrifying gays."

"the ideal number of pillows should be on a bed is 6-10."

"[high school reunion] Amanda: wow, you haven't changed a bit me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know"

"ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf. HER: *giggling* So, my place or... ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers* HER: WHAT THE"

"When I die, I hope Bethesda lowers my coffin into the ground. So they can let me down one last time."