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Joke of the Day

"When I get Cheeto dust on my fingers I use it to draw warpaint on my face. I am serious as fuck about my Cheetos."

"I once asked an Asian girl for her number. She said ""SEX SEX SEX, FREE SEX TONIGHT"" I said ""wow"". Then her friend said, ""no, she meant 666-3629."""

"""Your word is 'oujia'"" -could you use that in a seance? [spelling bee judge puts hand over the mic] I think.. I think this guy just won"

"If I commit suicide, it'll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times."

"If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don't have to go to work tomorrow?"

"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?? None. They just beat the room for being black"

"My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you're drunk"

"The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering."

"""Toothpaste? You made that word up!"" - Steve Bushemi"

"What's the best way to kick a habit today (day after Thanksgiving)? Cold turkey."