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Joke of the Day

"ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf. HER: *giggling* So, my place or... ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers* HER: WHAT THE"

"I want my last words be... ""I didn't want these to be my last words."""

"4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil. This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank."

"When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?"

"Soda What do you call a soda that was beat up in a fight? CREAMED SODA"

"Obama wants another chance"

"Following someone on Twitter and complaining about what they tweet about is like phoning someone to tell them you don't want to talk to them"

"On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came."

"That moment when your crush is absent, and you wasted your time going to school."

"What does a German woman dial when a man won't take no for an answer Nein! Nein! Nein!"