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Joke of the Day

"You can't prove that I'm not the center of the universe."

"My younger dog can go to sleep in about 4 seconds. The older one takes about 6 because she's got more shit to worry about, I guess."

"It's a bit drizzy out there... Expect a li'l wayne"

"What do you call a muslim on a plane? A passenger ... You racist bastard."

"[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving] PEOPLE: won't be me [1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball] PEOPLE: you never know"

"I saw a poster today, somebody was asking ""Have you seen my cat?"" So I called the number and said that I didn't. I like to help where I can."

"You've gotta be careful talking to Steve Jobs because he'll say the word 'eyeballs' and really be referring to his custom-made Apple gonads."

"I need a new gimmick. What if I'm always just inexplicably shuffling a deck of cards? Would you buy that? Like ""whoa, who's that drifter?!"""

"When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won't eat you. If that doesn't work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!"

"How does a grizzly catch fish? With his bear hands!"