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Joke of the Day

"I don't care what your bio says. You retweet me, it's not only an endorsement, it represents the views of your employer."

"Why cant train drivers be sentenced to the electric chair? Because they're bad conductors."

"The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling ""woo hoo"", but after that my schedule is wide open"

"What looks like grass but is red? grass, i lied about the red part"

"Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I'll say ""In silence"""

"Come on iPhone! It's someone, not semen. Now my mom thinks I'll find semen to help me. Related: I'm looking for semen to help me."

"Internet Explorer: so about last night Me: Oh, i used you for flash. IE: Are we back together, am i your default? Me: don't make this weird"

"I'm glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we'd constantly be walking into each other."

"ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they're just like ""lets stay here and move pots and pans"""

"The mathematician worked from home, Because he only functioned in his domain."